#100: Why Control Doesn’t Equal Safety in Birth & What to Do Instead
- Clara O'Rourke
- 5 days ago
- 4 min read
Birth isn’t something to be controlled—it’s something to be surrendered to. Through real stories, gentle wisdom, and practical reflection, we explore why control can actually hinder the birthing process—and how cultivating trust, presence, and self-compassion can open the door to a more empowered experience.
You’ll learn:
Why “doing everything right” doesn’t guarantee a smooth birth
How the myth of control creates tension and slows labor
What surrender really means (and what it’s not)
A client story that shows the power of letting go
Simple ways to prepare for presence, not perfection
Listen to the podcast now:
We’ve officially reached 100 episodes of The Mindful Womb Podcast! This milestone feels like the perfect time to reflect on one of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned over years of supporting birthing families: birth is not something to be controlled—it is something to be surrendered to.
For many of us, especially those with type-A or perfectionist tendencies, this can be a radical (and at times uncomfortable) reframe. We’ve been conditioned to believe that careful planning equals safety, that the more we read, prepare, and organize, the smoother our experience will be. But birth is inherently unpredictable—and learning to embrace that truth can profoundly change how you move through labor.
The Myth of Control in Birth
In our culture, control often equals comfort. We make to-do lists, craft birth plans, and devour every book and class, believing: If I just do everything right, I’ll earn the birth I want.
But here’s the reality: biology doesn’t follow bullet points. Babies, bodies, and hormones don’t operate on a timeline or a checklist. Trying to micromanage every outcome in labor can actually backfire by:
Increasing stress and tension, which slow labor and heighten sensations of pain.
Pulling you into your thinking brain (anxiety, analysis, fear) instead of your instinctive birthing zone.
Setting you up for disappointment if birth unfolds differently than imagined.
Instead of control, what birth truly calls for is adaptability—a willingness to flow with what’s happening moment to moment while still holding onto your values and preferences.
Surrender Is Not Passivity
When I talk about surrendering to birth, I don’t mean being passive or “giving up.” Surrender is an active practice of:
Trust – in yourself, your body, and the process.
Presence – staying grounded in the moment rather than spinning in “what ifs.”
Self-compassion – meeting yourself with gentleness, no matter what unfolds.
Think of labor like wading into the ocean. If you brace against the waves, they’ll knock you down. But if you soften, yield, and move with the surf, you find flow. Surrendering allows your body to open and create space for your baby, rather than resisting what’s happening.
A Story of Letting Go
I once supported a client who was induced for pre-eclampsia. Her heart was heavy—she had hoped for an unmedicated, spontaneous birth, and the induction felt like everything she wanted was slipping away. Bound to wired monitors and limited in movement, she felt stripped of agency.
Her baby’s heart rate looked a little funky on the monitor, so the nurse asked her to stay lying down on the bed. Her stress rose, her labor stal,led, and frustration took over. Finally, we paused and acknowledged the grief: This isn’t the birth I envisioned. After a powerful emotional release—tears, cuddles, words of affirmation from me and her partner—something shifted. She softened into presence, trusted herself, and within the hour, her baby was born.
That moment was a living example: when we release rigidity, birth often unfolds with more ease.
Preparing for Presence, Not Perfection
So, how do you prepare for birth if not through control? Here are some practices you can integrate into your pregnancy:
1. Reframe Your Birth Plan
Instead of a “plan,” think of it as birth preferences. Use it as a tool for learning about your options and communicating clearly with your care team. Focus less on “guaranteeing outcomes” and more on intentions like:
How do I want to feel in labor?
How do I want to be supported?
2. Practice Softening Into Discomfort
Whether in yoga, meditation, or simply noticing how you respond to pregnancy aches and little discomforts—practice exhaling, softening, and yielding rather than bracing.
3. Use Grounding Mantras
One of my favorites: “I don’t have to control this. I only have to meet it.”
4. Explore Journaling Prompts
Ask yourself:
Where am I trying to over-control in my birth prep?
What would it feel like to soften instead?
5. Build Emotional Tools
Learn how to sit with big sensations and emotions. Presence, trust, and self-compassion are muscles—you strengthen them with practice before labor begins.
Flow Over Force
Letting go of control doesn’t mean losing your power. In fact, it means stepping into a new kind of power: the power of presence, surrender, and deep trust in yourself.
As you prepare for birth, remind yourself: you don’t have to perfect this—you only have to be with it fully. That shift alone can turn birth from something to endure into something transformative.
✨ If this resonates with you, I invite you to explore my new private podcast series, where I’ll guide you step-by-step through preparing for birth with less overwhelm and more grounded confidence. Stay tuned for details in the show notes.
And if you know someone preparing for birth who needs this message? Send it their way. Let’s create a culture of surrendering with trust instead of bracing with fear.
Thank You for Listening
If this episode lights you up, I’d love it if you’d rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. After you review the show, snap a pic and upload it here… and I’ll send you a little surprise as a thank you.
Your feedback helps this podcast grow, and I am so grateful for your support!
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